Weighing in on Guilt

This is how I look at my home scale.

This is how I look at my home scale.

Well, it’s my first doctor visit since the end of the school year and the beginning of my two months off. So…guess what my weigh-in will be? I don’t think it will be very good but I’m avoiding my home scale because it lies to me. I’ve had year-end celebrations, grad dinners, staff get togethers, a golf tournament (I didn’t get the lunch but I did get a lot of exercise) and some incredibly hot weather requires copious amounts of liquids, most of them not good for me. So…

I know all this is no excuse for not paying attention to what I eat and why I need to lose weight. I don’t know why I do not follow all the things I KNOW I need to do. I have motivation, scientific evidence, tons of amazing support from family, friends and professionals. But…I still keep eating. I am walking every day. I have cut the grass three times in the last 2 weeks (it’s a big lawn so I only do one section at a time). I’m not eating any of the ice cream sandwiches in the freezer. I haven’t had any bread in two weeks. But… lots of other bad stuff. I’m not even rationalizing it anymore.

I do have a couple of things I keep repeating my head. “I can’t do this!” and “I don’t really care, I’ll die when I die.” I know this is really bad self-talk but the old reel-to-reel tape is much louder than the MP3 file. I have tools and knowledge but don’t use them. Why not? I saw a counsellor a while ago and she asked me to consider myself someone who came to me for advice. What advice would I give myself? I would give myself stellar advice then go home and do nothing. Sigh!

This is one of the reasons I like this blog. I get to vent and get all the infection out and feel better immediately and start from right now. I will go get weighed, then go get my hair cut (feel better with no calories). I will then go home have the first of many mugs of ice water and pick a bunch of arugula and lettuce from our garden. MMmmm. Sounds good. I would like a spicy, nutty salad. Maybe I’ll stop and get some goat cheese and salami, too. Sounds like a righteous “no white food” reward.

I’m OK now. Thanks for listening. ;D

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~ by 1fatgirlshrinking - Diane Kirby on July 3, 2013.

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