Bad Dreams – Good Thoughts!

I woke up exhausted this morning. Actually, I woke up earlier, around 4:15 am and had a difficult time getting back to sleep. I think I had been dreaming of trying to get away from something. (I do not need Freud here – yet.) I don’t remember that one.

But I sure remember the one that got me out of bed 15 minutes ago (6:15 am). It was a combination of work (old, old job and the present job that I’m on disability leave from), the Food Channel, and people I know. I had to find a TV for some old TV star to use in his class and the person who sets up the night classes said he couldn’t have a TV after 3 in the afternoon, but I knew where he could get one. I just had to find my keys that would open all the doors and a blank piece of paper to write where to return the TV after his class – and there wasn’t one blank piece of paper to be found. (OK, Freud, my life seems filled with paper and people making demands but not directly of me but I feel I have to fix them.) But when I went into the kitchen of the building I’m in, a cross between a big Home Ec kitchen in a high school and my kitchen, the mess makes me yell out loud. The sink was full and there were dirty prep dishes and stuff on the counters. I recognize them from a chef challenge we saw on TV a week earlier. THEY DIDN’T CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES! And the sink was full of dirty water so I emptied the right side up roaster in the sink and water won’t drain. I yelled and I think I swore here, too. (Mr. Freud, do I doubt myself and my ability to fix what others haven’t done?) I realize the drain was blocked by tons of cooked rice that came off the soaked pan and there was a lot of cooked rice all over the counter, too. I stuck my hand into the gross water and pulled out handfuls of the rice blocking the drain. It cleared as I dumped the stuff into the garbage. The water started draining and I started scooping all the mess on the counter into the garbage, too. (So, Freud, do I need to just get rid of all that garbage around me?) Then I started to wonder if the guy who needed the TV needed a DVD player, too. I was panicking and people kept asking me questions and I felt like I had to be somewhere else. I wasn’t even supposed to be working that night. I needed to go home but I had so much to make right first…I woke up!

Any basic dream analysis can see I feel overwhelmed by things I have no control over. But TVs, rice in the drain and no blank paper? Wow, thanks, Mr. Freud, I feel better already. I really liked the fact that I only thought of the key once then I didn’t have to worry about that thing again. I don’t really have a key that will open all the doors but it’s nice that I do in my dreams. Wow, a key that opens all the doors – was that the message of the dream?

Why do I feel I have to clean up messes everyone else has left behind.  I know, right now, I feel like I’m not doing enough because of my disability and that is so frustrating. I do know something about myself – I feel powerful when I fix the things others have not done; finished; or did wrong. I guess I’m missing my “helpful role” at work and with my family. My family is more than capable of doing everything and more. I depend on them to do things for me and our family. And at work? I know I am not indispensable, no one is. I’m supposed to be enjoying my time off – after all it is summer vacation. I truly hate letting other people do what is needed, not because I can do it better but because I feel I won’t be needed. I do not understand all the TV references except I watch way too much TV. 

I feel much better. I am missed! I can still do things. I am exploring my incredible writing abilities.(Tee hee hee!) My Facebook friends still “like” me. I have the keys within myself. I can get stronger. I will get healthy. I will be ready to work when I get the OK. I can control what and when I eat. I have wonderful friends (Oh oh – Mr Freud I accidentally typed “fiends” instead of friends – is that a Freudian slip or really bad typing skills?) and family and I will let them do things for and with me. These are wonderful keys. I’ll keep them close, even in my dreams.

Thanks for listening. ;D Diane

~ by 1fatgirlshrinking - Diane Kirby on August 2, 2012.

2 Responses to “Bad Dreams – Good Thoughts!”

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