Calorie Leakage and Other Tales We Hope are True

I remember an email going around about all the ways that calories didn’t count or how you could negate calories you are consuming. Today someone offered me the last cookie in their bag and apologized because it was broken I said thanks but no thanks (I’m being very good today). Then I remembered someone telling me that broken cookies had no calories because they all leaked out. I didn’t have it anyways. So I am going to cheat and give you a few ways to save calories from an old “faxed funnies” folder.  My Mom was actually one of the people to send me these.

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet pop with a chocolate bar, the diet pop cancels out the calories in the chocolate bar.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Tim Bits.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. (Examples: Smarties, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Twizzlers and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.)

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

Remember, “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts.”

Thanks for listening. ;D Diane

~ by 1fatgirlshrinking - Diane Kirby on February 20, 2012.

5 Responses to “Calorie Leakage and Other Tales We Hope are True”

  1. […] Calorie leakage and other tales we hope are true from 1fatgirlshrinking Share this:ShareLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Posted in Uncategorized and tagged calories, diet, health, laughing, weight loss […]

  2. Bravo on passing on the cookie! And I love that cartoon – gave me a good chuckle!

  3. Haha, really funny advice. Please come by my blog to read some funny stories.

  4. Finally – one I can stick with!

  5. […] like birthday cakes if they are eaten somewhere other than your home (Right? It’s like the broken cookie leakage!). Then there’s the cake. The Ultimate Cake from the Lighthouse Cake Company. -> […]

Leave a Reply to Stressed because of calories? « Towards Healthy Life Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: