Now, before everyone sends me their powerful support messages – I haven’t given up, yet. I wanted to. I thought a lot about it. I’ve made excuses for gaining weight on Spring Break. I’ve been beset (nice usage, eh?) by a pack of guilt puppies. I’ve reviewed my food journal and seen my doctor. I’ve had my monthly ephinette and come back to reality.
I’m tired, mentally, emotionally and lately, physically. I’ve been trying to lose weight for 49 years. I’ve been up and down and still have not reached a “healthy” weight. I am now: an obese (I did get out of the morbidly obese classification), diabetic, post-menopausal, depressed (small “d”), baby boomer (definitely not a “zoomer”), arthritic, working-poor, middle class woman. Sigh.
I’ve just started our annual “Honour Your Health Challenge” at work and my goal is to lose 10 pounds. It was an easy goal because I’ve done it before and I know I can do it in 6 weeks. But looking back I should have made my goal to stay on my diet every day for 6 weeks. Imagine 6 weeks with no “Fat Girl” days. THAT’S a challenge! I honestly don’t know if I could do it.
17 tries, reformatting, file type etc, to get this graphic in. Hmmm real lesson!
Actually, six weeks for 10 pounds at my weight could be done in two weeks if I try hard. So why don’t I do it? Good question.
I just tried 4 times to insert a graphic that relates to giving up and it wouldn’t go in. I tried changing the format but that didn’t help and it said to try later. Hmmm, is this a sign? I have to try later. I’m now working on this blog entry for a second day after I started it. I’m not as blue as I was yesterday and definitely feeling way more positive. But this is how I live. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been facing all the realities of what I have to do over the next couple of years for my health. I’m booked for a full knee replacement (much pain) on the 29th of May. That means I’ll miss the end of the school year. I like the end of the year with our students. I’ll not be able to be in the annual golf tournament, again! I will be only one month out (needing physio etc) when we’re supposed to drive across Canada to my family’s reunion. I usually drive, I can’t see myself being able to do that. I may not even be able to bend my knee enough to get into the passenger side of my car. Sigh. I will need a huge abdominal surgery (much more pain) to fix my hernia and I’m concerned that my guts won’t work in a confined space. They sometimes have issues the way they are now, wild and relatively free of an abdominal wall. Then I’ll need the other shoulder replaced (more pain) and, when I’ve lost the weight I need to, and I do see myself reaching my goal at some point in the near (2-3 years) future, I will have this amazingly flabby, extra skin-enveloped body that will need surgery to remove skin that doesn’t shrink with wonderful abs and muscle development. It just hangs and droops because the fat is gone. Imagine that in a bathing suit. I have.
Oh well. It may not sound like I’m in a better place but I am. Getting to the truth is what makes a reality check real. I also went over what my life would be like if I gave up. I would balloon. My blood sugar, which has been spectacular for almost 2 years, would skyrocket and my kidneys would shut down. My blood pressure would spike resulting in a series of debilitating mini-strokes. I would end up with a new hernia around old internal scarring and a perforated bowel from resulting adhesions – oh my, a colostomy. I would not be able to walk, dress or feed myself. I would be locked in my body and if I had my way, a window in a nursing home looking out on the yard with trees and birds. Yep, I’ve thought this through. I’m not going to tell you what I’ve thought about in terms of the disappointment and guilt of my family, friends, doctors and you. I don’t want any of those things and I know we have to look at the up-side and downside of things. And we all know what happens when you lift the rock of life to see what’s under it. The slimy things crawl out, and, as long as I don’t have to eat them, OK!
That’s enough for now. Now I’m going to tell you a two-step secret to make you feel better, too.
1) Whisper “Beep Boop” to yourself.
2) Repeat until not sad.
Thanks for listening. ;D Diane